its eeaarrlyyy. i had to try 4 times to type out the word "eighteen". and another 2 there. last night was really weird. i was on the net at like 12:30 and i somehow fell asleep? yeah, with my laptop on my stomach. and i woke up again at like 2:40 because SOMEBODYYYY sent me a message on msn and it honked at me :/
mmm. well, that whole mood-killing thing yesterday? im over it. if anything, it was just a momentary lapse in my.. thingy. cos im used to being let down like that. its always "im so so so sorry" or "i didnt know" and "it wont happen again, i swear." but yknow what? i get it. you cant make everyone happy all the time, right? i understand. im tired of understanding. all i ever do is understand. what gets to me though, is that i know ill be fed all those words and meaningless phrases, and then still go back to that place ive been standing for so long, continually being disappointed by the people i thought were my friends.
how did you expect me not to find out? ..didnt you think about how i would feel? you pride yourself on being such a thinker. well i think youre bad for me. i give and i give and in return you give me empty promises, or no promises at all. but i care too much, and as little as ive needed you these four years, i still wanted to be the person you came to with your problems, the person you trusted to help you out, keep your secrets, always be there. you make it so hard for me to be that person.
i just.. need a break. i guess i let this whole situation get to me this time because it was.. different. you lied to my face. and i smiled, said "alright", and walked away. in hindsight, i can only wonder how you mustve felt standing there knowing you'd just fed me utter bullshit, and that i believed it. why? because i trust you. i trusted you. and i know im not the perfect friend either, i make mistakes too. i lose my temper much too often, im the most stubborn person on the planet.. maybe i just expect too much. but youve done this so many times, and i cant for the life of me see why i always forgive you. maybe i dont. maybe i just stow away every mistake youve ever made in the back of my mind, so whenever im with you, im not reminded of every time youve hurt me. i set myself up for the fall.
sunday, october 19, 2k8
10:34am
Sunday, October 19, 2008
eighteen.
