where did things go wrong?
if youve ever felt beyond sad, completely and utterly disappointed, or totally betrayed - then maybe you know where im coming from. its like one minute youre fine, and the next minute something happens that makes you think -- i mean really think -- and then youre totally empty. the only thoughts that are in your head are negative and it makes you feel totally alone, like you dont mean anything to anyone. all you want to do is tell someone how you feel, but you dont want their pity, and even if you could tell someone, nothing would come out right. you dont want to laugh or smile, or whine, or argue, or even be stubborn or difficult. you just want to go to bed and cry and hope this feeling passes, and sometimes it does, but it always seems to come back. you think that all your friends hate you and only talk to you because they feel bad for you. you know complete strangers judge you just because of how you look and how you act, and you think about how you're not as beautiful as the crowd that surrounds you. and of the two people that are supposed to love you the most in the world, one left you, and the other has to scream at you sometimes because they get angry and upset too. you feel like you will probably search your whole life for that one person that you can totally trust that you can love forever, who will never ever hurt you, but you know somewhere deep down that youll probably never find him. he probably doesnt even exist, so you just give up. you want so desperately to be alone, but at the same time you fear it so much. you know how it feels to know that youre a bad person, to let your friends down and always be selfish, isolated, self conscious, bitter, whiny, and obsessive. you listen to what everyone else has to say, but you never tell them how YOU feel, because that would mean revealing part of yourself, and you just can't do that; the more someone knows about you, the easier it is for them to hurt you. and your opinion wouldn't matter to them anyway, and most of all, if you took the time to sit down and try to get all your feelings out for the first time in your life, it would be completely overwhelming and if anyone ever listened to all of that, they probably wouldnt know what so say anyway, to make it all better. there isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. if you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. people have stopped being comforting.. and being alone never was. it sucks when youve been a disease all your life, when every time you try, every time you reach for something you want its taken away. it sucks when you cant see the truth right in front of you. i used to think i had myself all figured out, but now i feel like i have to get to know me all over again, and go through all these obstacles to learn everything i used to know.. ever feel like that? gut feelings arent always gut feelings, and the light at the end of the tunnel may be yet another train about to run you down. breaking promises that youve made to yourself is like suicide and im sick of slitting my wrists every fucking night. im sorry that im a lazy fuck, im sorry i never do anything right, im sorry ill never live up to your high expectations. im just trying to make it through today. ill worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
monday, october 20, 2k8
1:14am.
Monday, October 20, 2008
twentyone.
