you go on, i'll be okay
i can dream the rest away
it's just a little touch of fate, it'll be okay
it sure takes its precious time
but it's got right and so have i
i turn my head up to the sky
i focus one thought at a time
i do not let the litte thieves
under my tightly buttoned sleeves
you couldn't be a longer time
i feel like i am walking blind
i have nowhere i'll have time
there are no legible signs,
there are no legible signs
i like the way that you talk
i like the way that you walk
it's hard to recreate
such an individual gait
you wait your turn in the queue
you say your sorries and thankyou's
i don't think you're ever
a hundred percent in the room
you're not in the room
you're not in the room
deepest of the dark nights
here lies the highest of highs
neopolitan dreams,
stretching out to the sea
---
i keep trying too hard and getting nowhere.
so my plan now is to sit back and let things come together on their own
(or fall miserably apart, whatever)
i dont really want to be sitting here overthinking things, and pulling them apart. if i get too into the details, i miss the bigger picture.
i have a 365 book now. its a journal type thing, and i fill in one page a day for - wait for it - 365 days. my life for a year. if you ask nice, i might show you at school or smth. i started on thursday :) i hope it doesnt turn into one of those projects i abandon midway because ive lost my passion for them, i hope hope hope not.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
365 days
Sunday, August 16, 2009
in light of recent events, i stopped last night to think about all the games people play. not to exclude myself from this. if anything, id say play them the hardest.
i began to wonder last night exactly who was stringing who along.
the problem with me thinking that i couldnt have possibly contributed to our situation, and that it was all you, is that i'll never know what YOU'RE thinking. maybe you're clinging onto the same chain of logic. maybe it affects you the same way it makes me want to sob, want to giggle, want to never sleep or eat or move or speak again, the same way it makes me tremble.
or maybe it doesnt.
then again, ill never know. you have such a reputation.
although i'll never see into YOUR head, i have mine sitting on a neck and two shoulders that have seen a shitload of drama and carried quite a bit of weight. i delved into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind trying to figure out what makes me do some of the things i do, but i found nothing i cared to admit. search rendered useless by my own inability to face the truth.
for once, i will finish what i start, and i will see this to the end. i chose my stance for whatever reasons i had at the time and it'd be against my character to give in now, hey? i'll deal with things as they come, because thats what ive always done, and its gotten me where i am now. i cant really say if where i am now is good, bad, or somewhere in between but dont fix it 'til its broke, i say. really, really, broke.
BLOG TOO SERIOUS? SHIT, FIX IT! SAY SOMETHING ILLOGICAL.
Here, take this. Or something.
i began to wonder last night exactly who was stringing who along.
the problem with me thinking that i couldnt have possibly contributed to our situation, and that it was all you, is that i'll never know what YOU'RE thinking. maybe you're clinging onto the same chain of logic. maybe it affects you the same way it makes me want to sob, want to giggle, want to never sleep or eat or move or speak again, the same way it makes me tremble.
or maybe it doesnt.
then again, ill never know. you have such a reputation.
although i'll never see into YOUR head, i have mine sitting on a neck and two shoulders that have seen a shitload of drama and carried quite a bit of weight. i delved into the deepest, darkest corners of my mind trying to figure out what makes me do some of the things i do, but i found nothing i cared to admit. search rendered useless by my own inability to face the truth.
for once, i will finish what i start, and i will see this to the end. i chose my stance for whatever reasons i had at the time and it'd be against my character to give in now, hey? i'll deal with things as they come, because thats what ive always done, and its gotten me where i am now. i cant really say if where i am now is good, bad, or somewhere in between but dont fix it 'til its broke, i say. really, really, broke.
BLOG TOO SERIOUS? SHIT, FIX IT! SAY SOMETHING ILLOGICAL.
Here, take this. Or something.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I AM
sitting in an emotional shithole.
everything is wrong.
wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
everything is wrong.
wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
wrap my arms around your name
feel your breath against my pain
as i breathe out, the past is gone
empty smile, naked heart
who i was, falls apart
when you're here inside of me
feel til you're numb, depth perception
becoming the new deaf and dumb
i'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
changing myself just to stand alone in your eyes
pull me in, take me out, make me over
read the wave, ride your fears
in this ocean of years
we've been here, swimming on
take me deep til I find
every corner of your mind
we've been here, swimming on
touch til you taste all the time we are
wasting alone waiting here
i'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
changing myself just to stand alone in your eyes
pull me in, take me out, make me over
and shout me out loud, shout me out loud.
feel your breath against my pain
as i breathe out, the past is gone
empty smile, naked heart
who i was, falls apart
when you're here inside of me
feel til you're numb, depth perception
becoming the new deaf and dumb
i'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
changing myself just to stand alone in your eyes
pull me in, take me out, make me over
read the wave, ride your fears
in this ocean of years
we've been here, swimming on
take me deep til I find
every corner of your mind
we've been here, swimming on
touch til you taste all the time we are
wasting alone waiting here
i'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind
changing myself just to stand alone in your eyes
pull me in, take me out, make me over
and shout me out loud, shout me out loud.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
dont call it a comeback
you sure dont make it easy, do you?
you couldnt just.. be someone else, something else.
here i am on the 28th level of the centrepoint tower, presented with a priceless opportunity to learn and maybe even do my motherfucking future some good. for some ridiculously MORONIC reason, though, i find myself not being able to focus. just because youre there, dangled in front of me on a string by some sadistic dickhole of a god i dont believe in.
im so TIRED of wondering. i HATE wondering. what youre thinking, what youre doing, whether youre not there or just not talking to me. not having a phone or the internet for so long has probably been good for me, as much as ive hated the absence of such technology. just 2 days with both at hand and my mind has been stuck on overdrive, speeding in all the wrong directions.
dont think im talking about just one person, no my life will never be that simple. its EVERYTHING. EVERYONE. how you all had to go and FUCK things up for yourselves AND FOR ME. what is it exactly that you all expect from me? im a little dim so dumb it right down, if you've been sending me signals - i havent been getting them. im confused. why cant any of you just give me what i want?
especially you.
it might be the coffees making my moods swing so violently but for fucks sake, how can the way i feel for an entire day depend so solely on you? you dont have to care or even notice but with a minimal amount of your effort, my focus is shattered and my self-esteem shaken.
how hard is it to believe that for once in my gorey, unsalvageable trainwreck of a life, i might want something to work out in my favour? just one thing, anything. i dont want to have to give a shit anymore, ive had enough. i want to be selfish and careless, i want to hate and complain without consequence.
i know very well that heaps of people have it worse than me, but a lot fucking dont. oh, the beggars in asia dont have food and the kids in africa have aids but as much as id like to give a damn, i dont. it doesnt directly affect me in anyway and ill probably never even meet an 8 year old with HIV. when you think about it - their entire world is like that, and they know nothing else. i spend every waking hour of every fucking day seeing or hearing about how everyone else's life is just dandy. that, or theyre whining without the fucking right to.
i dont want to be rational! i dont want to calm down, i dont want to be optimistic, i dont want to not worry about things and no i dont want to talk about it.
its like every emotion its possible for me to have has been put in a blender on pulse for 6 hours. mixed feeling smoothie, coming right up.
in the end i dont need for this to be interesting, entertaining or thought-provoking, or for it to even make sense, because this isnt a return to blogging. its an outlet, its a waste of time, its hilarious, its practice, its just another dumb teen who will never know or experience everything, no matter how strongly she wants to believe it, not even close.
you couldnt just.. be someone else, something else.
here i am on the 28th level of the centrepoint tower, presented with a priceless opportunity to learn and maybe even do my motherfucking future some good. for some ridiculously MORONIC reason, though, i find myself not being able to focus. just because youre there, dangled in front of me on a string by some sadistic dickhole of a god i dont believe in.
im so TIRED of wondering. i HATE wondering. what youre thinking, what youre doing, whether youre not there or just not talking to me. not having a phone or the internet for so long has probably been good for me, as much as ive hated the absence of such technology. just 2 days with both at hand and my mind has been stuck on overdrive, speeding in all the wrong directions.
dont think im talking about just one person, no my life will never be that simple. its EVERYTHING. EVERYONE. how you all had to go and FUCK things up for yourselves AND FOR ME. what is it exactly that you all expect from me? im a little dim so dumb it right down, if you've been sending me signals - i havent been getting them. im confused. why cant any of you just give me what i want?
especially you.
it might be the coffees making my moods swing so violently but for fucks sake, how can the way i feel for an entire day depend so solely on you? you dont have to care or even notice but with a minimal amount of your effort, my focus is shattered and my self-esteem shaken.
how hard is it to believe that for once in my gorey, unsalvageable trainwreck of a life, i might want something to work out in my favour? just one thing, anything. i dont want to have to give a shit anymore, ive had enough. i want to be selfish and careless, i want to hate and complain without consequence.
i know very well that heaps of people have it worse than me, but a lot fucking dont. oh, the beggars in asia dont have food and the kids in africa have aids but as much as id like to give a damn, i dont. it doesnt directly affect me in anyway and ill probably never even meet an 8 year old with HIV. when you think about it - their entire world is like that, and they know nothing else. i spend every waking hour of every fucking day seeing or hearing about how everyone else's life is just dandy. that, or theyre whining without the fucking right to.
i dont want to be rational! i dont want to calm down, i dont want to be optimistic, i dont want to not worry about things and no i dont want to talk about it.
its like every emotion its possible for me to have has been put in a blender on pulse for 6 hours. mixed feeling smoothie, coming right up.
in the end i dont need for this to be interesting, entertaining or thought-provoking, or for it to even make sense, because this isnt a return to blogging. its an outlet, its a waste of time, its hilarious, its practice, its just another dumb teen who will never know or experience everything, no matter how strongly she wants to believe it, not even close.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
#122 - "sissy" blogging, basically
eyes lit on sharp threats from dark lips
but lights press the soft skin to rough hands
extra marks to whoever gets what ive named my blog.
so, went ID at the luna park big top on tuesday. it was crazy, so many people were there. by the end of the night i was soaking wet. some of it was water, some of it was my sweat and the rest was other people's sweat :L the bad thing about being short is that you're just yknow doing your thing, dancing or whatever and then some tall guy doesnt see you there, starts pumping his arm up in the air in time with the music, and you end up with a faceful of armpit.
it was okay though, i spent most of the time right at the front cos all the tall people let me go in front of them lol. i was there with mariam, karols and platini but they decided to leave around 9:30. i stayed with another friend, naomi, until the end of the night which was 11 ish. had an awesome night. dancing for 5 straight hours (Y)
the whole place was kinda sleazy though. you look around and theres couples making out and dry-humping LOL. and theres the guys who come up behind random girls and start grinding into them and all kinds of shit like that. i mostly stayed out of trouble :) just gotta feel sorry for the girls who are gonna find pictures of themselves on myspace with someones hand on their boob or a shot of themselves drunkenly sucking face with a stranger.
"face down, ass up, thats the way we like to fuck"
ok, i know the event was for u18's but i seriously saw this little kid there and he couldnt have been more than 10 or 11 years old. he was getting shoved around a bit until some older guy, who i assume was his brother, steps in. he stands in front keeping one hand on the kids chest, points his finger at all the tools says, "HEY, HEY. FUCK OFF ALRIGHT? FUCK OFF." the funniest part was how smug the kid looked standing there behind his bro hahah. after that, the bullies cleared a path so the boy could get all the way to the front and made sure they didnt bother him again.
i couldnt believe a can of redbull costed $6.50 at the venue. not even the big cans, the little ones. i prolly spent 10 or 15 dollars that night just buying a couple bottles of water. it was so HOT in there, and once you get into the middle of the crowd the air is really stale and everybodys skin is sticky. all in all though, worth it. very worth it.
wrap my arms around your name
feel your breath against my pain
as I breathe out, the past is gone
empty smile, make it hard
who I was falls apart
when you're here inside of me
feel til you're numb
depth perception becoming the new deaf and dumb
i got about 4 hours of sleep the night i went ID which was bad seeing as wednesday, the day after, i had to wake up early and drag myself to the train station. i signed up for the thing at the university of sydney, "degree in a day". heaps of people from hurlstone were there, as well as some people i knew from before and some people i got to know on the day.
oh also, john we're sorry we played that joke on you. i was really hoping you'd believe us when we said we were kidding cos i'd hate if you saw us as "those" kinda girls, yknow? we are responsible and mature people (: but apparently you knew all along that it wasnt real. so we were being tricked /: OH AND AND THANKS FOR SAYING IT ONLY ONCE, AND SAYING IT TO MEEEEE YOURE THE BEST :D you should never ever ever ever never never ever say it anyone else ever again. just me :D cos we all know what you said is trueeeee, and i mean cmon, how could you not?
ok so, back to usyd. courtney, kevinn, amanda, mariam and naflee were all there on the day. unfortunately, paul and kevint didnt quite get it :L everyone who made it in got to choose 2 courses to sample during the day. after all, its not that long til we have to start thinking about unis and stuff :/ so yeah, for my morning course i chose psychology and in the afternoon my pick was financial market trading.
after the campus tour, 20 painfully boring minutes of them trying to sell us the school saying how awesome it is and everything, we finally headed to the classes. nobody else had chosen psych as their morning course so i was forced to make friends. i met this girl, alexandra, who's in some performing arts school but is really interested in psychology. she goes dance with nicola burbidge from our school (: small world. so yeah, we did some group activites and some discussion, then we watched a video called bullshit which was basically a guy trying to prove that some theory was bullshit.
we met up with everyone again after morning courses, had complimentary pizza and soft drinks, and talked about whatever we'd just had. all the people in other courses had got some sort of freebies, so i felt kinda gypped, but whatever. free pizza :D
after about a 40min break, we were all split up again into afternoon courses. this time i had mariam with me, so it was all good. we dragged some random girl named sally into one of our play fights which was pretty funny.
"yeah dont talk to that retard, she'll kidnap and rape you."
"oh yeah whatever, listen to what that stupid bitch says. shes a dirty cheating liar!"
"er.. okay.. guys.."
LOL so yeah. coming to realise how big the usyd campus is, we had to walk 15 minutes to the economics and business building and guess what. they made us sit in one of the computer labs for like another 20 minutes doing nothing because the person who was meant to come and do the course was "late". so we get some curry chick who rambles on and on about nothing in particular when the other instructor we had enters the class and says, "err actually.. the guy's in japan." WHAT THE FUCK? so what do they do, they take us on another campus tour. ffuuuunnnn. being totally fed up, once we saw an opportunity, mariam and i dashed off from the group and headed towards redfern station.
we were both pretty tired from ID the night before so we kinda just sat on the station and slept LOL hobos. it was about an hour before everybody started coming out to meet up with us after their courses. mariam was really sleepy so she went straight home but i decided to stay with the others who were going to just hang around the city for the rest of the day.
courtney, kevin, thuy, amanda and hien was our group. we didnt do anything particularly fun to be honest. lots of walking, a bit of shopping. i probably got home around 6 that day? slept 12 hours, from 8 to 8.
realised I was passing through
From the moment I saw you
i was hypnotized
couldn't wait to get you alone
so I could walk with you
so I could talk with you, oh
tomorrow is my birthdaaayyy!
i dont guess or expect anything (presents i mean) because if i do get something, its a total surprise.
and you know how i love surprises (:
also, thanks for not making any "YOU CAN HAVE SEX NOW" jokes.
actually.. nobodys made any at all. makes me wonder what youre all thinking.
/ julie.
sunday, 19th april, 2k9
4:23pm.
but lights press the soft skin to rough hands
extra marks to whoever gets what ive named my blog.
so, went ID at the luna park big top on tuesday. it was crazy, so many people were there. by the end of the night i was soaking wet. some of it was water, some of it was my sweat and the rest was other people's sweat :L the bad thing about being short is that you're just yknow doing your thing, dancing or whatever and then some tall guy doesnt see you there, starts pumping his arm up in the air in time with the music, and you end up with a faceful of armpit.
it was okay though, i spent most of the time right at the front cos all the tall people let me go in front of them lol. i was there with mariam, karols and platini but they decided to leave around 9:30. i stayed with another friend, naomi, until the end of the night which was 11 ish. had an awesome night. dancing for 5 straight hours (Y)
the whole place was kinda sleazy though. you look around and theres couples making out and dry-humping LOL. and theres the guys who come up behind random girls and start grinding into them and all kinds of shit like that. i mostly stayed out of trouble :) just gotta feel sorry for the girls who are gonna find pictures of themselves on myspace with someones hand on their boob or a shot of themselves drunkenly sucking face with a stranger.
"face down, ass up, thats the way we like to fuck"
ok, i know the event was for u18's but i seriously saw this little kid there and he couldnt have been more than 10 or 11 years old. he was getting shoved around a bit until some older guy, who i assume was his brother, steps in. he stands in front keeping one hand on the kids chest, points his finger at all the tools says, "HEY, HEY. FUCK OFF ALRIGHT? FUCK OFF." the funniest part was how smug the kid looked standing there behind his bro hahah. after that, the bullies cleared a path so the boy could get all the way to the front and made sure they didnt bother him again.
i couldnt believe a can of redbull costed $6.50 at the venue. not even the big cans, the little ones. i prolly spent 10 or 15 dollars that night just buying a couple bottles of water. it was so HOT in there, and once you get into the middle of the crowd the air is really stale and everybodys skin is sticky. all in all though, worth it. very worth it.
wrap my arms around your name
feel your breath against my pain
as I breathe out, the past is gone
empty smile, make it hard
who I was falls apart
when you're here inside of me
feel til you're numb
depth perception becoming the new deaf and dumb
i got about 4 hours of sleep the night i went ID which was bad seeing as wednesday, the day after, i had to wake up early and drag myself to the train station. i signed up for the thing at the university of sydney, "degree in a day". heaps of people from hurlstone were there, as well as some people i knew from before and some people i got to know on the day.
oh also, john we're sorry we played that joke on you. i was really hoping you'd believe us when we said we were kidding cos i'd hate if you saw us as "those" kinda girls, yknow? we are responsible and mature people (: but apparently you knew all along that it wasnt real. so we were being tricked /: OH AND AND THANKS FOR SAYING IT ONLY ONCE, AND SAYING IT TO MEEEEE YOURE THE BEST :D you should never ever ever ever never never ever say it anyone else ever again. just me :D cos we all know what you said is trueeeee, and i mean cmon, how could you not?
ok so, back to usyd. courtney, kevinn, amanda, mariam and naflee were all there on the day. unfortunately, paul and kevint didnt quite get it :L everyone who made it in got to choose 2 courses to sample during the day. after all, its not that long til we have to start thinking about unis and stuff :/ so yeah, for my morning course i chose psychology and in the afternoon my pick was financial market trading.
after the campus tour, 20 painfully boring minutes of them trying to sell us the school saying how awesome it is and everything, we finally headed to the classes. nobody else had chosen psych as their morning course so i was forced to make friends. i met this girl, alexandra, who's in some performing arts school but is really interested in psychology. she goes dance with nicola burbidge from our school (: small world. so yeah, we did some group activites and some discussion, then we watched a video called bullshit which was basically a guy trying to prove that some theory was bullshit.
we met up with everyone again after morning courses, had complimentary pizza and soft drinks, and talked about whatever we'd just had. all the people in other courses had got some sort of freebies, so i felt kinda gypped, but whatever. free pizza :D
after about a 40min break, we were all split up again into afternoon courses. this time i had mariam with me, so it was all good. we dragged some random girl named sally into one of our play fights which was pretty funny.
"yeah dont talk to that retard, she'll kidnap and rape you."
"oh yeah whatever, listen to what that stupid bitch says. shes a dirty cheating liar!"
"er.. okay.. guys.."
LOL so yeah. coming to realise how big the usyd campus is, we had to walk 15 minutes to the economics and business building and guess what. they made us sit in one of the computer labs for like another 20 minutes doing nothing because the person who was meant to come and do the course was "late". so we get some curry chick who rambles on and on about nothing in particular when the other instructor we had enters the class and says, "err actually.. the guy's in japan." WHAT THE FUCK? so what do they do, they take us on another campus tour. ffuuuunnnn. being totally fed up, once we saw an opportunity, mariam and i dashed off from the group and headed towards redfern station.
we were both pretty tired from ID the night before so we kinda just sat on the station and slept LOL hobos. it was about an hour before everybody started coming out to meet up with us after their courses. mariam was really sleepy so she went straight home but i decided to stay with the others who were going to just hang around the city for the rest of the day.
courtney, kevin, thuy, amanda and hien was our group. we didnt do anything particularly fun to be honest. lots of walking, a bit of shopping. i probably got home around 6 that day? slept 12 hours, from 8 to 8.
realised I was passing through
From the moment I saw you
i was hypnotized
couldn't wait to get you alone
so I could walk with you
so I could talk with you, oh
tomorrow is my birthdaaayyy!
i dont guess or expect anything (presents i mean) because if i do get something, its a total surprise.
and you know how i love surprises (:
also, thanks for not making any "YOU CAN HAVE SEX NOW" jokes.
actually.. nobodys made any at all. makes me wonder what youre all thinking.
/ julie.
sunday, 19th april, 2k9
4:23pm.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
#121 - from karols house.
so i'm at karols house. we're leaving for ID in about 15 minutes, hope its fun.
haha i have a phone now. ask for my number (;
its also almost my birthday. im.. mildly excited? not sure haha. im turning 16, how oooold.
you were always predictable, always so predictable.
cos thats right, everything always has to be my way. right?
when did this turn into some kind of tug-of-war? i admit i was selfish in not thinking even once that this wouldnt affect everyone else. it was you, and me. you always had to win didnt you? you poor poor boy, you have everything so tough. didnt your mummy cut the crusts off your sandwich?
you've MADE this a problem. i know why though. because when were we all there for you? whenever you had a problem, something to talk about. and now.. we're all gone. you have nothing. so what have you done? you've reverted back to what you, deep down, felt to be the root of your every friendship. drama. angst. neediness. now theres something to whine about isnt there? you know i hate it when you lie. be honest to yourself. what do you really have to complain about?
/ julie.
tuesday, 14th april, 2k9
4:23pm.
haha i have a phone now. ask for my number (;
its also almost my birthday. im.. mildly excited? not sure haha. im turning 16, how oooold.
you were always predictable, always so predictable.
cos thats right, everything always has to be my way. right?
when did this turn into some kind of tug-of-war? i admit i was selfish in not thinking even once that this wouldnt affect everyone else. it was you, and me. you always had to win didnt you? you poor poor boy, you have everything so tough. didnt your mummy cut the crusts off your sandwich?
you've MADE this a problem. i know why though. because when were we all there for you? whenever you had a problem, something to talk about. and now.. we're all gone. you have nothing. so what have you done? you've reverted back to what you, deep down, felt to be the root of your every friendship. drama. angst. neediness. now theres something to whine about isnt there? you know i hate it when you lie. be honest to yourself. what do you really have to complain about?
/ julie.
tuesday, 14th april, 2k9
4:23pm.
